My psycho ex

I already talked a little about my dating experiences pre-transition, but I feel like talking about my psychotic ex to illustrate just how crazy butch straight girls can be. I dated her from January-August in 2008, so it was right after my failed attempt to transition. I had known her for a little while just as acquaintances, and I was absolutely convinced she was a lesbian. I asked her on a date thinking I was androgynous enough for her (she did seem interested in me). On our first date, she talked about how funny it was that everyone she knows thought I was a girl; I quickly deduced that she thought I was a guy. Then she talked about her last boyfriend, which lead me to believe she was straight, despite the fact the everything about her screamed dyke. No matter, I had had a crush on her for some months, so I decided to go on a couple more dates with her. I told her I was a crossdresser as I usually do at the begininng of the relationship, and she was cool with that.

Anyway, after a while of dating I began crashing at her pad. This is when I really started to get to know her and began to realize just how psychotic she was. You see, she lived to fight. She is the most pugnacious person I have ever met. She had a very short fuse, and frequently I was embarassed to be seen in public with her because of the scenes she’d create because of some imagined slight. She was not above chasing someone down in a car, getting out and screaming at them until she was blue in the face. I quickly wanted out of the relationship, but I was afraid for my safety if I didn’t let her down just right. (She would throw pots and pans at my head if I wasn’t completely pleasent and obedient.) I decided to tell her I was trans and see what happened.

I did it the way I usually do; by writing a letter and letting them read it when I’m not around (this gives them time to sort out their thoughts/feelings and saves me from the initial, usually over-emotional and irrational reaction). Anyway, I came home from work that day to find her bathtud full of broken glass. She had gotten so mad, that she pulled every wine glass she had (which was a lot) from the shelf and smashed it in the tub. Like I said, psychotic. I was very glad I wasn’t there. She had also called all my friends, hoping to out me and ruin my life, but they all already knew, which pissed her off more because she didn’t like being “lied” to. She had always suspected that I was latently gay, she said, because I didn’t like sex with her. (Sex with her was a nightmare; she liked it extremely violent, and frequently I felt like some sort of murderer-rapist, which wasn’t a pleasurable experience, so I frequently found ways to avoid it.) I told her she was probably just projecting onto me because it’s obvious she’s a dyke and hasn’t come to terms with that. That pissed her off even more.

Anyway, we stayed together for a long time after that, because I was even more terrified of offending her. Luckily, after I required several hospitalizations due to my newly-developed mental illness, she decided to call it quits because she couldn’t handle having a crazy partner. For a few weeks we were friends, but she got a new boyfriend and decided she hated my guts suddenly. She began sending me harrassing text messages saying things like I was latently gay or that I fake a mental illness for attention. After a while that quit, and I started running into her in public places, which was really awkward. Thankfully, I haven’t seen her in almost a year, so I think she either moved or learned not to go to places that I frequent.

I’m still not convinved she’s not a lesbian.

Dating pre-transition

I thought I’d write a little about my experiences dating before transition. I’ve dated a lot and had lots of sex, which I think was an attempt to prove to the world that I was a man. I started having sex at 13 and have done just about everything. I’ve only had sex with one guy, and I didn’t like it so I swore never to do it again.

Anyway, I like a specific type of girl. I prefer really strong, independant women. I like the type of girl who can chug a beer and out-belch any guy in the bar. That being said, a few of the girls I’ve dated have been kind of butch or even dykey. I’ve found that these women are the ones that have the biggest problems with me being trans.

Usually, I begin a relationship by telling the woman I’m a crossdresser, just so I’m still free to experiment with my gender in the relationship. All the people I’ve dated have been okay with this. If I think the relationship is taking a serious turn, I feel obliged to tell them about how serious my gender identity issues are. Some women are okay with this, however the dykey ones always blow up and usually become very abusive. I think this is because they are so butch that they get a lot of people who assume they are lesbians. By being attracted to someone who identifies as a woman, they probably feel that their sexuality is being called into question. I’m not entirely sure, though.

Anyway, I’ve decided not to date any more until I’m more comfortable with my body. Also, I doubt any girl I might date would be completely fine with dating someone during transition. I think I’ve already said this, but I am super androgynous and I get a lot of people who don’t know how to refer to me (sir or ma’am). Anyway, right now I think I’m too feminine for straight girls and too masculine for gay girls. You never know, though; I could meet the girl of my dreams who is also completely fine with me the way I am. If on the off chance that happens, I’ll certainly not miss the opportunity. I highly doubt it will happen, though.

Transwomen: gay vs. straight

I’ve always wondered who has it easier, straight transwomen or lesbians. I always assumed lesbians had it easier, because straight transwomen probably have more to fear if their partner found out they were trans. I feel like genetic women are less likely to beat the shit out of their partners in “transsexual rage.” However, the HRC’s throwing transpeople under the bus shows that even gays think trans people aren’t “normal enough,” and the fact that The Man Who Would be Queen was a finalist for a Lambda Lit Award until a massive protest effort had the book removed from the list shows that even gay and lesbian cisgendered people can be misinformed about trans people.

I suppose it shouldn’t be about who has it easier. Each person’s circumstances are different, I guess, so I’ll just wait and see how easy it is for me to find a partner when I’m living full-time.