The Bible

I read the Bible once when I was 10 and found out there were tons of contradictions. Seeing as how that was 14 years ago, I’ve decided to read it again. I’ll keep you posted.

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My thoughts on SCUM

So I just added a link to Valerie Solanas’s SCUM manifesto, not necessarily because I agree with it 100%, but because I respect it for trying to insite a true revolution. A lot of what she writes has some elements of truth, and she’s often treated as some sort of psycho survivalist. Being an anarcho-syndicalist and political writer, I know what this feels like. Since I was 10 I have felt that there was something very wrong with society, and as I got older I began to realize that the things wrong with society are mostly the results of men’s insecurities. Men are an opressive force which women must cast off, but the problem is that, as Solanas points out, most women have been brainwashed by men into being completely submissive simps. I certainly don’t think that every man is evil, just that most of them are. Also, I don’t think that every man wants to be a woman like Solanas suggests; I just believe that most men realize on some level that “manhood” is a sham and that they are afraid of confessing to who the really are. A study showed that 100% of men tested who had violent homophobic tendancies show signs of latent homosexuality, so it’s obvious that their “manliness” is some sort of facade to prevent the world from realizing that they’re really fags. I seriously think that the world is in need of a revolution, and I hope it comes in my lifetime. I don’t want to live my whole life in a oppressive power-centric society.

My future wife

For several years now I have been in love with Regina Spektor. She rocks my world.

Comic book geekery

So, I’m a really big comic book fan. Really big. My week revolves around Wednesday, when the new books for the week hit shelves. I have thousands upon thousands of books in my collection. Lots of Daredevil, X-Men related stuff, quite a bit of Spider-Man. Spider-Woman, the new ongoing that started late last summer/early fall is my new favorite ongoing, mainly for the stunning art (Alex Maleev uses a live model for Jessica Drew/Spider-Woman, which is awesome). Daredevil and Uncanny/Legacy are my other favs. Daredevil is just so fucking heavy, and X-Men are what got me into comics in the first place (I remember Halloween of ’92-the premier of X-Men: TAS- like it was yesterday). I had huge crushes on Rogue and Gambit, who are still my two favorite comic book characters.

Anyway, the reason I’m talking about this is that I didn’t go to the comic book store on Wednesday because I was busy. The owner knows me, and he knows to pull all my books for me if I’m not there right when they open (I like to get first pick). So I stopped by today on my way to work and picked them up. I was especially delighted when I saw the cover for this month’s Iron Man, which featured none other than Dr. Stephen Strange! Dr. Strange is another favorite of mine, simply because I’m a writer and I know how much work it is to write for that character. In case you don’t know, Dr. Strange is a neurosurgeon who doesn’t have a traditional super power; instead, he’s a very powerful mage. This makes it difficult to write for him, as there are no rules that apply to him. He’s magic! He can do anything! This creates a dilemma, because when a writer is trying to create suspense or drama, inevitably a reader will say, “Why doesn’t he just cast a spell to make everything all better?” This requires some pretty creative writing to explain why he doesn’t do just that. He only appeared near the end of this issue, but I’m sure the next one will have him in a starring role. I really wish they’d start a new Dr. Strange ongoing.

Also this week was a new X-Men Forever. It’s a great semi-weekly ongoing written by none other than Chris Claremont, who X-Men fans know as the God of All X-Scribes. It’s classic X-Men. Wolverine dies in the first story arc, which excites me because I think Wolverine is a little overrated and the whole immortal thing was really annoying. In some books nothing can kill him! I say, if his brain is destroyed, he should die; without a nerve center, how does his healing ability even work? (It pissed me off in Fantastic Force when they had his skeleton walking around.) Who kills Wolverine? None other than Storm, who is evil in this book. But wait, is it really storm? While hunting evil Storm, Gambit stumbles upon a 12-year-old Ororo! Mysterious, no? It keeps getting better, but I won’t spoil any more. It’s pretty kid-friendly (at least more so than most books out these days), so it’s a good one if you’re looking for something for the youngsters.

Also out is Sky Doll: Doll’s Factory, which is the second half of the supplementary books to the very amazing, very beautiful, very X-rated Sky Doll limited from 2008. It’s got sketches, concepts, and studies; some mini-comics; and lots of fan art. Worth it for fans of the original book. I highly recommend looking for the trade if you missed it. It’s a stunning indie comic that Marvel picked up and gave a wider distribution, which is probably the only reason it found its way to Lincoln, NE (we don’t get a lot of indie comics out here, usually you have to go to Omaha).

And now my cat is making it hard to type, so I’m out.

My psycho ex

I already talked a little about my dating experiences pre-transition, but I feel like talking about my psychotic ex to illustrate just how crazy butch straight girls can be. I dated her from January-August in 2008, so it was right after my failed attempt to transition. I had known her for a little while just as acquaintances, and I was absolutely convinced she was a lesbian. I asked her on a date thinking I was androgynous enough for her (she did seem interested in me). On our first date, she talked about how funny it was that everyone she knows thought I was a girl; I quickly deduced that she thought I was a guy. Then she talked about her last boyfriend, which lead me to believe she was straight, despite the fact the everything about her screamed dyke. No matter, I had had a crush on her for some months, so I decided to go on a couple more dates with her. I told her I was a crossdresser as I usually do at the begininng of the relationship, and she was cool with that.

Anyway, after a while of dating I began crashing at her pad. This is when I really started to get to know her and began to realize just how psychotic she was. You see, she lived to fight. She is the most pugnacious person I have ever met. She had a very short fuse, and frequently I was embarassed to be seen in public with her because of the scenes she’d create because of some imagined slight. She was not above chasing someone down in a car, getting out and screaming at them until she was blue in the face. I quickly wanted out of the relationship, but I was afraid for my safety if I didn’t let her down just right. (She would throw pots and pans at my head if I wasn’t completely pleasent and obedient.) I decided to tell her I was trans and see what happened.

I did it the way I usually do; by writing a letter and letting them read it when I’m not around (this gives them time to sort out their thoughts/feelings and saves me from the initial, usually over-emotional and irrational reaction). Anyway, I came home from work that day to find her bathtud full of broken glass. She had gotten so mad, that she pulled every wine glass she had (which was a lot) from the shelf and smashed it in the tub. Like I said, psychotic. I was very glad I wasn’t there. She had also called all my friends, hoping to out me and ruin my life, but they all already knew, which pissed her off more because she didn’t like being “lied” to. She had always suspected that I was latently gay, she said, because I didn’t like sex with her. (Sex with her was a nightmare; she liked it extremely violent, and frequently I felt like some sort of murderer-rapist, which wasn’t a pleasurable experience, so I frequently found ways to avoid it.) I told her she was probably just projecting onto me because it’s obvious she’s a dyke and hasn’t come to terms with that. That pissed her off even more.

Anyway, we stayed together for a long time after that, because I was even more terrified of offending her. Luckily, after I required several hospitalizations due to my newly-developed mental illness, she decided to call it quits because she couldn’t handle having a crazy partner. For a few weeks we were friends, but she got a new boyfriend and decided she hated my guts suddenly. She began sending me harrassing text messages saying things like I was latently gay or that I fake a mental illness for attention. After a while that quit, and I started running into her in public places, which was really awkward. Thankfully, I haven’t seen her in almost a year, so I think she either moved or learned not to go to places that I frequent.

I’m still not convinved she’s not a lesbian.

Intersex/trans documentary

I found this 45 minute documentary on Helen Boyd’s blog. It’s about intersex and MTF transsexual people. Basically they show evidence that gender identity has a biological basis not tied to XX/XY chromosomes. (Also known as the “brain sex theory.”) I liked how similar the story of the trans man known as Kevin (I think) going to bed wishing he would wake up male is to my own story (see this post). I also thought it was funny that the young MTF was named Alex, which is my name.

Hormones

So my doctor prescribed Premarin and spironolactone for my HRT. I wasn’t sure what to expect so I went online and did some research and found out the most people say that the injection (Progynon) has better results. I went back to my doctor to ask her about this and she told me just to stick with what she prescribed. Well, I decided to go over her head and get some Progynon and needles and see how the shot goes for a couple months. I was on Premarin before when I tried (and failed, as I have said) to transition in 2007, so I know more or less how it goes on that drug. If I don’t see more desirable results in 6 months with the Progynon, I’ll go back to what she prescribed. I know it sounds a little fishy, but I just want the best results. I don’t think my expectations are too far out or anything, I understand the limits of any hormone regimen and I know what to expect from extended treatment. I just figure the whole community of transsexuals on the internet can’t be completely wrong.

The best movie ever

I have been watching Pink Floyd The Wall on repeat since 4:30. I do this from time to time. Besides 2001: A Space Oddyssey, the Wall is my favorite movie. When I was a kid, it was my favorite cassette tape until my dad accidentally smashed it. (He made it up to me later by buying me the 2-disc CD.) Among my favorite parts is the scene in which young Pink is going through what is presumably his father’s trunk. First he puts on the cap from his father’s military uniform, then he admires his razor, then he opens a box of bullets and gently carresses them with his finger. Next it cuts to him dressing up in his father’s full military uniform. I think this little bit is a glaring statement on gender and masculinity in particular. It’s especially interesting looking at it through a trans lens: Just as I would play dress up in my mother’s clothes and pretend to be a woman, he is playing dress up and pretending to be a man.

I also like the “Mother” sequence mostly because that’s one of my favorite songs (no, I never played voyeur on any of the neighbor girls). Also I like how the woman undresses and her man is more interested in whatever he’s watching and treats her like an obstruction. And I like when Pink goes insane and speaks at the Nazi-like rally (the crossed hammers insignia is going to be my next tattoo once I decide where to put it; one would think the arm would be best but my arms are already taken by far superior tattoos). And I really identify with young Pink in the “Another Brick in the Wall” sequence when his teacher humiliates him for writing poetry. We artsy fags get no respect as children.

A little history

I think I should include a little history about my experiences with cross-gender feelings. It tarted when I was about three and my little sister was born. Until that point, I don’t think I realized that there was a such a thing as gender, but something about my little sister being born and learning about boys and girls made me realize something was very wrong. I don’t know exactly what it was, I just somehow knew I was supposed to be a girl.

For a couple years I went to bed every night after praying that god fix his mistake. Every morning when I woke up, I was gravely disappointed by the fact that I hadn’t been magically transformed as I slept. This caused me to question the existence of god, and eventually my dad won me over to the atheist camp.

Anyway, I eventually got used to being a boy at about age 9. Part of this had to do with the fact that I met my 2 best friends that year (they were brothers who moved from upstate New York; one of them is Josh, who I wrote a post about a day or two ago). At around 10 or 11 I began taking an interest in girls, which also helped to quell the gender identity issues because I figured if I was a girl I’d be interested in boys. This feeling of being okay lasted until I was about 12, when I met my first lesbians.

I was in Colorado at a family reunion. We were eating at Wendy’s, and I had finished so I decided to go to the car and listen to some music. As I exited the restaurant, two beautiful women in their early 20s came walking towards me. As they walked, one of them took the other one’s hand and kissed her. I had heard about lesbians, but I had never seen one. I tried not to stare or anything, but I couldn’t help it; I knew instantly that that’s what I was supposed to be. I longed for them to abduct me into their world.

This lead to a very deep depression during which I contemplated suicide several times in a day. For the rest of the vacation, all I did was lay in bed and mope. One day, my dad left the room with the TV on HBO and an Ellen Degeneres special came on. I was only half-listening because at first I was too depressed to care. Eventually,  though, it dawned on me that she was a lesbian and I instantly sat up and began watching intently. I felt like I had found a role model. I remembered a time when my dad’s girlfriend was watching a daytime talk show with a bunch of beautiful women and I asked her what was so special about them. She said they used to be men, so I knew that it was possible for me to become female, I just didn’t know how.

About a year and a half later, we finally got internet at my mom’s house. Since she didn’t know how to track my web browsing habit like my dad could, I knew it was my chance to do some research. I stumbled across a Montreal SRS surgeon’s website and he had a lot of useful information about gender dysphoria and transsexualism. I had been seeing a therapist for a few months because of my depresion and suicidal tendancies, so I decided to talk to him about it. After spending a lot of time talking about my feelings and other therapisty stuff, he said that he thought I probably did have gender dysphoria.

I knew my parent’s wouldn’t like it. It meant I was a freak. I wrote a letter to my mom about it because I couldn’t talk to her face to face, and she only acknowledged that she read it; she didn’t say anything else about the subject. Ever. My dad at one point asked me if I was a crossdresser, and I told him yes (I had been borrowing girl friends’ clothes and crossdressing at school, changing before my parents picked me up). He threatened to take away my allowance if he ever caught me in girls’ clothes or makeup. That didn’t change much; he only caught me with nail polish on once and he didn’t flip as much as I had expected him to.

Starting at 13, despite the fact that I was exploring my gender identity, I went into a hyper-macho phase where I cut my long hair and began having sex with anything with a vagina that I came across. By the time I was 15 I was doing stuff that most people spend their lives fantasizing about. I’ve done all sorts of freaky scenes. I realize now that this was me trying to prove to the world or maybe myself that I was a “real man”; I had learned from mainstream media that “real men” have lots of sexual “conquests.” I made a lot of stupid mistakes, and I’m really ashamed of that period of my life.

When I moved out to Nebraska, people started tearing me down because of how effeminate I was. They called me “gay” and “fag,” so for a while I tried to learn how to act butch. In my second semester of college I quit all that because I had fallen in with the local feminist and artist scenes, and both those circles embraced gender variance. Then I met a girl and fell in love, and I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about how that ended. Anyway, that’s my story.

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